Yes, the pun’s been done 100 times already, but it’s the perfect title for this entry. In a few days at the very most, after a pregnancy lasting seemingly longer than the average Spurs manager, I will definitely become a dad. Rather than bore you all with paragraphs of my feelings (I’m sure I’m like most dads-to-be right now) I thought I’d write a questionnaire for me to fill in after.
1. When the contractions start, will you:
a) Be Mr cool, calm and collected, being your wife’s rock?
b) Panic and grab every person that vaguely looks like a nurse in the surrounding vicinity?
c) Go off to grab a KFC for substance, as you’re in it for the long run and the beginning stuff doesn’t matter anyway?
2. Your wife is squeezing your hand extremely tightly. Do you:
a) Smile and say nothing – she must be in way more pain than you?
b) Skilfully move her hand onto the nearest rail so she can grip onto that?
c) Shout out, “F**king hell! Lay off the hand, woman! Do you know how much that hurts?”
3. The baby is placed on your chest for the first time. You are bonding. Do you:
a) Stare at him/her intensely with more love than you could ever thought possible, marvelling at the wonder of life?
b) Lay there and think “OMG I am completely clueless. This kid hasn’t got a chance of me as its dad”?
c) Sob uncontrollably?
4. You get your camera out. Do you:
a) Take a few choice photos of the baby for the album and for family?
b) Capture the baby, your wife, all three of you over the day, charting the incredible first few hours of your new family?
c) Capture the entire process from dilation, fill up 2 16Gb SD cards, upload to iPad, create four Facebook albums and send off for a Vistaprint A1 poster?
5. You think about the life ahead for your child. Do you:
a) Say to yourself that he or she can be whatever they want to be?
b) Hope that they somehow follow in your footsteps?
c) Open your William Hill app and ask the odds for your child winning the Golden Boot at the 2034 World Cup?
Guess I’ll find out soon!