The new football season is almost upon us! Here’s what I think might go down over the next ten months. If any of these actually happen, then I’ll do my next blog post in my underpants…
August
After much hype over new record signings, brilliant managers and money galore, the Premier League kicks off with an amazing anticlimax as all ten of the weekend’s first matches end in 0-0. Much of the blame of many lethargic performances is put on the late night Olympics coverage. Jose Mourinho is ecstatic, however.
Arsenal reveal their intriguing last-minute deadline day purchase of Pikachu, who will act as cover for the injured Jack Wilshere.
September
Zlatan Ibrahimovic is fined £20,000 for turning up late for Man Utd’s first leg of their opening Europa League match. “Zlatan never plays on Thursdays!” he says to reporters, before phoning his wife to record Emmerdale.
October
After their last minute win over Dortmund, Gary Lineker attempts to invoke the spirit of last season by promising that if Leicester win the Champions League, he will dance the Charleston naked in Strictly.
November
England beat Scotland 8-0 at Wembley in their World Cup qualifier. Sam Allardyce’s controversial selection Bobby Charlton rolls back the years with five goals to reclaim his position as England’s all time goalscorer.
December
North of the border, Brendan Rodgers said he was delighted at the effort of his players and that if it wasn’t for a couple of close decisions, Celtic may have got a draw, following their 6-0 defeat at Rangers. Both sides finished with 7 men, although by this time only 124 fans were left in the stadium due to ejections for inappropriate chanting.
President Trump sparks more controversy as he shuts down the entire MLS league after announcing that soccer “…is for sissy dorks who aren’t good enough to play a real sport.”
January
The Times report on the news that Man Utd are planning to make a sensational combination of bids totalling £1 billion for Messi, Ronaldo, Romeo Beckham, Usain Bolt and Pele’s left testicle.
Liverpool players sheepishly celebrate their narrow 3-2 win over League 2 Stevenage in the FA Cup third round with an open-top bus parade. Klopp plays down criticism saying “We were 2-0 down with 5 minutes to go, so I think it is well deserved.” Liverpool FC refuse to comment on reports that the bus was not properly taxed, having been registered as SORN for the past 5 years.
February
Everton are revealed as the surprise leaders of the world’s richest club league, after a bidding war for Lukaku between Chelsea and PSG gets out of hand. Afterwards, Roman Abramovich is quoted saying, “I should have stopped at £850m, but there was no way I was letting those French bastards beat me again.”
March
Champions League disappointment for English clubs in the last 16. City lose 3-2 to Bayern, Spurs 4-0 to Basel and Arsenal 7-6 to Barcelona, with Messi scoring all 13 goals. Leicester rejoice, however, after a penalties win over Juventus, leaving Ranieri to say “I am just thinking of my dinner tonight, nothing else.”
Chaotic scenes at Old Trafford as Zlatan Ibrahimovic, fresh from his five-goal haul against Bournemouth, conducts his post-match interview adorning a real gold crown. Within minutes, the Swede is karate-kicked to the floor by an enraged Eric Cantona shouting, “There can be only one!”
April
Wayne Rooney’s eldest son, Kai, buys out Accrington Stanley with his pocket money. He immediately installs Rafael Benitez as manager, enraging Newcastle fans just days before their key relegation clash with Burton Albion.
A twenty-page spread in OK! magazine covers the lavish ceremony in Madrid in which Cristiano Ronaldo marries himself.
May
The season concludes with an epic last day as no less than seven teams battle it out for the title. The title changes hands five times in injury time across four matches. Sergio Aguero’s 99th minute winner wasn’t enough, nor Sturridge’s late strike before he was carried off injured. Even the self-appointed goalkeeper Zlatan’s fingertip save round the post to secure the win for Utd was in vain. And despite leading the league for 2/3 of the season, Arsenal’s dreams were in tatters after Koscielny’s 8th own goal of the season.
It was left to Southampton to claim an unlikely top spot with the latest goal in Premier League history, in the 134th minute. The delay was largely down to the decision of the club to change their manager in the 74th minute, and the associated paperwork. New manager Francis Benali worked his kind of magic though as super sub Matt Le Tissier scored the deciding penalty before being carried out of the stadium on a wave of Saints’ fans.
And finally…
Better news for the Gunners a week after the season’s conclusion: Spurs are left devastated as they are docked 1 point and go down to fifth place after Harry Kane is found to have worn an illegal shin pad for the last thirty seconds of their final match. Arsenal fans immediately crash Facebook servers with a reported 1.2 trillion memes over a 5-minute period.